Greetings fellow students, my name is [SUPREME LEADER] and I am putting myself forward for the position of [PRESIDENT] of your student union! I am running on an [INDEPENDENT] ticket with fellow [STAUNCH UNIONISTS]. Vote 1 [INTERLINK ANUSA] for a [UNION] union.

I am running for [PRESIDENT] because, having spent the last year as [VICE SECRETARY], I’ve seen the breadth of what a [LEFT-WING ACTIVIST] union can do! In my term I will [ABOLISH CAPITALISM] and [BOMB THE CHANCELLERY]. I will advocate for and represent all students because I am one of you – a person.

I am a truly Independent candidate whose funding comes solely from [THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX] and this means I am the best candidate to advocate for you and your interests, such as the expansion of [AUKUS].

I will personally achieve [FREE TERTIARY EDUCATION] by [DEFUNDING THE BKSS]. I am an [ENERGISED] and [AUTHENTIC] biological human being who truly has your interests at heart. I am sick of seeing our University troubled by [PESTILENCE AND LOCUSTS] and I will draw on my extensive experience in [CORPORATE LOBBYING] to put an end to this injustice. I plan to put an end to [SERVICE PROVISION] and will direct ANUSA’s resources to funding [SCHMIDTPOSTING DEBATES]. 

I know students are stressed about [COURSE CUTS], I will remove this uncertainty and stress by [CUTTING ALL COURSES]. I will bolster the rights of students on-campus by having the University recognise them as [LANDLORDS] and assigning them a [SECOND, POORER] student, to [PAY THEM A WEEKLY DIVIDEND].

I have lived on campus at [BURGLODGE] throughout my [LAW]/[LAW] degree and in that time I have become familiar with the struggles of the average student. I have met with and heard from a kaleidoscope of perspectives, ranging from [FIRST YEAR LAW STUDENT] to [SECOND YEAR LAW STUDENT] and this extensive consultation has informed my [112 PAGE POLICY MANIFESTO].