Shock horror, as average woman orders average coffee


On Sunday, at 10:53 am, a particular coffee store in the middle of Lonsdale Street began questioning its existence when a Caucasian female, roughly 165 cm tall, in her mid-to-late 20s, ordered a simple, regular-sized Latté.

Recalling the event, the Barista who served the lady screamed hysterically, “No caramel, no skim milk, no soy milk, no sugars, no sweeteners, no honey, no almond milk, not warm, not hot, no chocolate powder on top, no chai powder on top. Nothing! She wanted nothing with her Latté! How does she do it?”

The storeowner also released an official statement, saying, “This is an establishment that prides itself on delivering the most fucked-up coffee orders people can come up with. I mean, we’ll happily do coffees with half a decaf shot, half a normal shot, swirl it in milk as we place one sugar and two-and-a-half-equals, and then incorporate the 59.5degrees mixture of soy and almond milk, before topping it all off with our unique in-house blend of cacao and chai-leaf powder!”

Woroni attempted to track down the woman who ordered the sub-average beverage, with the intention of learning what exactly convinced her to order such a basic drink. We regretfully inform readers that she was lost amongst the crowd of Pilates mums in Braddon.

We acknowledge the Ngunnawal and Ngambri people, who are the Traditional Custodians of the land on which Woroni, Woroni Radio and Woroni TV are created, edited, published, printed and distributed. We pay our respects to Elders past and present. We acknowledge that the name Woroni was taken from the Wadi Wadi Nation without permission, and we are striving to do better for future reconciliation.