After months of doom and gloom, we finally some good news coming from ANU management. A large group of Quokkas have gained control of the university’s Finance and Business Services Division, and have streamlined the 2016 budget. At first, the high-ups in ANU management were sceptical that a team of Quokkas would be able to sort out all the nitty-gritty financial issues facing the university, but in only a matter of weeks, they’ve got the 2016 budget back on track.

Amazing! These Quokkas have sure showed those suits in chancellery a thing or two about budget savings.

While some critics claim that the university administration is taking a major risk by effectively placing the future of the ANU in the hands of a group of land dwelling, mainly nocturnal marsupials – these figures don’t lie. Since the Quokkas’ arrival, savings have been made everywhere! For example, instead of cutting costs by selling new college contracts to Unilodge, the Quokkas have suggested creating a semi-arid, shrub dominated, bush landscape on Daley Road and just leaving Fenner alone!

Wow! Why didn’t we think of that?

These cute little fluff-balls sure know something about efficiency, and predictably, and the remarkable turnaround of the ANU Budget has not gone unnoticed over the lake. The Quokkas’ exceptional savings measures have piqued the interests of Scott Morrison and Mathias Cormann, who believe the short-haired marsupials could play a key role in bringing the Government’s budget back to surplus. The ANU, however, is not about to let go of their most prized asset any time soon. Back off Morrison!

Why these Quokkas came to ANU we can’t be sure, but with management skills this good we do know one thing: they’re here to stay.