My Friend, Who Was Very Drunk

Standing at the door of the club as the sober-est one negotiating with the bouncer to let your drunker friends in is not always an easy task. Cut to last NYE, for example, when my friend, who we’ll call “L” for the sake of this article (and because that way I get to imagine her as some kind of secret agent, even though her dipped green ombre hair probably wouldn’t blend in as well as said secret agent’s boss would hope), forgot an essential part of life that is drilled into you from a young age. The alphabet. Proudly trying to prove that she was sooo not drunk – of course she wasn’t you guys she hadn’t even had that much to drink – the bouncer was sooo overreacting, L started to sing the alphabet. And she seemed to be managing it! We were so proud! We were almost home – or almost in some mildly trashy club – and then came the clanger. “Q, R, S, T, U… P?”. Oh L. The bouncer laughed, gave her some water, and promptly sent us on our way.

2 stars for forgetting the most basic of basic things, but 4 stars for hilarity.

Ode To Pecman

You know those people that you somehow just see everywhere? Well, there’s this one boy, a boy my friends and I lovingly refer to as Pecman, for his fine form, that always appears in all of my lectures, even though I’m not sure he’s enrolled in some of them. To be fair, I’m making that assumption from the fact that he mainly just watches music videos on silent (Who does that? What’s the point?), but I’m paying attention to him more than I’m paying attention to the lecturer, so who am I to judge? You guys can’t judge me either, ok, he has REALLY big pecs they’re like beacons that draw the light – and my attention. He always wears too tight shirts and sits in the third row, no matter what lecture theatre we’re in, and laughs really loudly at the lecturer’s jokes. Too loudly, you guys. They’re never funny.

2 stars because due to watching him I’ve watched the Uptown Funk video on silent 29 times, and that’s not that fun after the 4th time, but 5 stars for his pecs. Maybe even 6.

To That Mature Age Student In That Class of Mine

I have noticed your overenthusiasm in our tutorial class, but I do not hold it against you. I know it is a way for you to distract yourself from the grim reaper of death that looms over you. I am sure your numerous dependants greatly appreciate the financial and personal support you currently bring to the table. I am sure it must be strange being taught by persons who were still mere bodily fluids when you reached the glorious age of retirement. But seriously, I respect you, the only students who are at uni purely for the sake of learning. You guys rock… in chairs.

4 stars.