Armed with nothing but an Ouija Board and an ABC Film Crew, former Prime Minister and world’s largest rat, John Howard, yesterday summoned the enraged ghost of mid 20th Century Conservative Apparatchik, Sir Robert Menzies QC.
Mr Howard, emboldened by years of channeling Sir Menzies in the 1990’s and early 2000’s, had finally taken the great leap to summon the unholy spirit. His hands glided over the Ouija Board as he chanted: “God save the Queen, long may she reign over this humble colonial abode.”
The entire satanic mass was caught on ABC Cameras’ and has shocked the nation. When pressed for comment one elderly Canberra resident said, “Dear God he is back! Well I guess it’s back to poorly made consumer goods. Still, he should be happy about the trend of our current immigration policies.”
Bob Hawke, whom was being interviewed for the program, looked on in drunken disbelief, commenting to the ABC Camera crew, “Fucking hell boys, I think this calls for another stiff one.” Mr. Hawke then went on to pour himself a large rum remarking, “All this sailor jerry’s spiced shit is just Bundy for cowards,” before downing the drink unflinchingly in one swift gulp.
The ghost of Sir Menzies was reportedly calmed when Mr. Howard showed it his attempts as PM to drive the nation violently back to the 1950’s. Sir Menzies reportedly stated, “Young Johnny has shown a marvelous tact for xenophobic populism, and a first class knack for sycophancy regarding our dearest monarch Queen Elizabeth II.”
Sir Menzies also felt vindicated by recent scandals involving Senator Dastyari stating, “I still maintain, as I always have, that the Australian Labor Party is nothing more than Communist shill designed to penetrate the heart of this great nation. Indeed, I have it on good authority from those darling patriots at ASIO, that Senator Dastyari is nothing more than a Maoist stooge who wishes to corrupt the moral fiber of the young men and women of this proud nation, via the ghastly cuisine of the Mohammedan People’s. I’m with Pauline. I don’t want a snack pack, no matter how Haram it is.”
Mr. Menzies went on to comment, “If I had it my way, and if it were not for those Communist Sympathizers and Sexual Deviants who have the gall to call themselves the ‘High Court’, I would have all such politicians shot on sight.”
Sir Menzies has since returned to the realm of the undead where he spends his time occasionally haunting the residence of former PM Paul Keating – taunting Mr. Keating with memories of the failed Republican Referendum.
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