Damian White: 12th year Arts student, Braddon resident, Greens Member, and Part-time Cafe Blogger, has been secretly excited about the re-election of the right-wing demagogue from Queensland.
“It’s really been great, I haven’t felt this level of self-righteous indignation since the Howard Years,” Mr. White explained.
Mr. White’s friends have also noticed a definite increase in tedious ramblings. One housemate stated, “I mean it’s good to see him back on form; the disappointment of Turnbull abandoning his centrist policies just can’t elucidate the same sort of posturing faux-left wing outrage that a real life racist firebrand can”.
After Turnbull’s cuts, the two remaining CSIRO scientists have been attempting to determine if Mr. White’s smugness can be used as an alternative energy source. In the event of a snap election, they believe the prospect that Hanson might be joined by another far right populist could see the entirety of Australia’s Eastern Seaboard powered by Mr. White’s self-satisfactory disgust. However, some issues with the theory have been posited, with the scientists admitting “it is difficult to try and turn political Facebook rants into electricity but we see a lot of potential here”.
Mr. White expressed shame that the Queensland working class had voted for such a reactionary figure. He also noted that he one day hoped to meet, and have a discussion with, a real life working class person to explain “the finer points of Trotsky over a nice soy latté … It has to be soy though … Milk is for plebs”.
When pressed for comment, Mr. White’s mother, a North Shore resident and former chairman of the Parents’ Association during Mr. White’s attendance at Cranbrook stated, “He has always said he can’t stand Australia and can’t wait to move to Berlin. Maybe this will be the push he needs. He might actually do it if he can lay off the bongs and finally finish his sociology major”.