I have often been told – no, not told, more like lectured on the fact that I’m not going to find “what I’m looking for” on Tinder and OKCupid. First, how the fuck would you even know? Second, you seem to think that I’m actually trying to find a potential soul mate on the interwebs. The latter would be the icing on the cake but there are other goals that hold greater importance. Like most acquaintances who have confided in me about their online dating pitfalls, I’m on these dating apps because I’m bored and I want to laugh at idiots.
Yes sure, my comfortable standard of living allows me to be so self-indulgent. And I know I’m playing with fire by putting up some of my most intimate details for strangers to see. But getting attention from thousands of men and women on the internet is cathartic. And who knows, maybe I will find someone to share my pseudo-intellectual, LSD-induced, sex-laden pursuits with me. It’s probably just not going to happen tomorrow.
Honestly, I think online dating is great when you consider our rapidly urbanised society. With greater expectations for far-reaching aspirations, online dating becomes a useful way of meeting new people. With all the things that come with writing a doctorate, I find it has been very easy to find myself with very little time to be able to actually go out and date “organically.”
However, a major drawback of this convenience is that some people (*cough* men) tend to use these dating apps as if it’s online shopping. They want sex and therefore they expect women to agree to come over to their house, take their clothes off and go down on their knees with their mouths open. Seriously guys, if you’re not even going to agree to coffee, why would we trust you in a private space?
I must confess that if there is a group of people I am worried about on the internet, it would have to be the clueless men harassing women on a global scale. This is not going to turn into a whole “poor men” spiel. I want to make it very clear that women don’t owe them shit. It is definitely product of the toxic masculinity that constantly perpetuated by the culture. Yes, a lot of the problem does come from a sense of entitlement, but it also comes from the delusion that this meathead kind of behaviour is actually successful. When they see it actually doesn’t work, they become hostile. They’re angry that the patriarchy has lied to them and now they’re taking it out on you.
Its fine to think a woman looks lovely and it’s fine to want to have sex with a lovely looking woman. I know I definitely fall into that category. What’s not fine is being hostile to someone who isn’t interested in your advances. But what’s also a problem is the “advice” that overwhelms these young men. The first point of call would be their friends who also don’t know shit about women. And even with lad mags decreasing in popularity, I’ve been informed more than once by a man on the internet that: “I want to woo you but Google says I should be mean and I don’t want to be mean”. This is terrifying as it goes to show that there isn’t a very reliable space for men to go to when they have no idea.
I wouldn’t know how to explain where we go to find a solution. But something needs to actively teach these lost men of the 21st century about gender and sexual respect. And while these men think it is okay to write messages like, “I want to penetrate the fuck out of your vagina” (see picture) to another adult they don’t even know, you hold the power to respond with, “Sure. You into vagina dentata?” You can then screenshot the conversation and put it up online for all your friends to laugh at. There is no need to suffer in silence.