How to Win an Oscar in 10 Days

 

As February came and whizzed by me in the mad, mad world of ANU, I found myself rather out of the loop with the regular goings on of the world outside our cosy niche of the ACT. So in seeing the winners of the 87th annual Academy Awards, I was oddly removed from the anticipation and hype, and saw something quite ordinary.

I saw the same stories of inspiration and overcoming adversity, portrayed by handsome suits and pretty little faces smiling humbly at their recognition of each other. And to be honest, a night of sitting next to people with famous names, in an outfit that would probably cost as much as my weekly budget for the next couple of decades, sounds pretty fun. I mean, who doesn’t want to beat Benedict Cumberbatch or Jared Leto at their own game of drunken photo-bombing? So, inspired by the grossly under-appreciated, Oscar snubbed film How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, starring the always alright Matthew McConaughey and the closest Hollywood is ever going to get to perfect genetic engineering, the one and only Kate Hudson, I decided to run you through my plan on how to charmingly receive the most recognizable statue around for next time.

Day 1. Move to New York or L.A. with one suitcase and a pocket full of dreams!

Day 2. Get a mundane job serving bad coffee and donuts in an old diner on the wrong side of town, whilst secretly stumbling into the alternative night life scene.

Day 3. Become the headliner of some smokey and cool cabaret-esque club. If you need to get rid of the current spotlight holder, that’s fine, as long as you don’t go too Chicago on them,I mean, we’re not going for a Tony here.

Day 4. Make sure you take the stage every rainy night, because those are the nights an up and coming film producer, ready to prove himself, is most likely to have his car break down, and come into this jazz club for mere shelter.

Day 5. After being mesmerised by your stage presence and raw fabulousness, he will stumble into your diner, and after his second cup of coffee, he’ll realise where he remembers you from, and insist that you take his card to set up a meeting with his head honchos.

Day 6. Now, this producer must stick his neck out, because he believes in you! So after a passionate and soulful speech about destiny and artistic integrity to his bosses, he’ll give you the leading role in his next blockbuster, an impoverished delinquent, who turns herself around to win the Nobel Prize, but then ends up being tragically cut down after finding out she has dementia, so she ends up writing a play called Birdman, or something.

Day 7. After you find out that you’re nominated for an Oscar, and you’re the dark horse that everyone’s talking about, make sure you practice your charmingly quirky but oh so surprised reaction for your press conference.

Day 8. Show up at Donatella Versace’s doorstep, and get her to pimp you out!

Day 9. After you perform your well-rehearsed stunned face for the cameras, make sure you fist-bump Neil Patrick Harris on the way to the podium, and try to hold back the tears as the music starts playing getting you to wrap up.

Day 10. In the early hours of the last morning, when the after party is popping, and before you do your third round of tequila shots with Meryl Streep, make sure you give Leonardo DiCaprio a condolence hug for missing out again, you know he needs it.