A report by Marvin D.M. Anderson
A recent wave of coordinated advice has spread across the pages of Yahoo Answers, leaving users confused and upset about their direction in life. This spread of horrible advice appears to have stemmed from ‘Big Questions’, a Woroni Radio Show airing every Thursday at 5pm. Dubbed “the show where horrible people, give horrible answers, to horrible questions, on the horrible internet”, Big Questions’ three hosts approach a new theme each week with an enthusiasm that is in equal measures insightful and depressing.
Penny, who has been using the site anonymously for several months, is cautiously optimistic about the educational power of the show, stating, “Their advice on a travel vs. house renovation dispute saved my marriage, but then they suggested I burn down my house? My husband says that’s a bad idea and now we’re fighting again.” Fellow Yahoo user and gardening enthusiast Darryl is unimpressed, saying, “Those answers are distractions from the real issues, like my gardenias! They’re in full bloom!”
There have also been suggestions that the hosts have criminal ties. Detective Stumsky of the Wireless Crimes Division warns potential audience members of tuning in to the show. He instead recommends staying outdoors and admiring local gardenias while they’re in season, stating, “We’ve had many reports in regards to the deplorable activities being undertaken by the Big Questions team. We have taken action and they have now been convicted of stealing multiple clicky pens from government offices. Are these really the people you want answering your questions online?” The hosts are currently being investigated for a laundry list of radio crimes, having been accused of everything from saying ‘ladies and gentlemen’ to a particularly ugly on-air sledging of the esteemed personalities Scotty and Nige. When approached for comment, their lawyer burst into tears, rocking back and forth on the ground while mumbling ‘leave Nige out of this’.
The hosts were unavailable for comment at time of printing. They are believed to have cryogenically frozen themselves so they can give advice in the next millennia. They will have thawed by Thursday.
Editor’s note: We have inspected Darryl’s gardenias and they are indeed in full bloom. Nicely done, Darryl.