At the ANU, group assignments are considered especially heinous. In LAWS2204, the unfortunate students who take part in these vicious assignments are members of the Thursday 7pm tutorial group. These are their stories.
Ernie Finglesnacker: My name is Ernie, I’m an HD student. No one HIRACs like me, no one. Group assignments are the bane of my existence. Aspiration: junior partner by 25, Prime Minister by 39, retired High Court judge by 70. I work seven hours a day at the PMC and do nine hours of study a night. They say I’m crazy, they say I’m on drugs. Steroids? My little brothers ADHD medication? Speed? No, just pure ambition … and some No-Doz.
Beatrice Mc Lena Dunham: I’m Beatrice and if I’m going to be completely honest with you, I am not looking forward to this group assignment. I make it known that I’m from a really poor area in inner-west Sydney (Newtown) and that even though I went to Pimbleberry’s Private Secondary College for High Achieving Girls I had to commute 20 minutes by train each day. It was so debilitating – there are only so many podcasts you can listen to. My goal in life is to work at an ordinary Community Legal Centre in a low SES area. Okay. My real goal is to be a top-tier human rights lawyer who gets persecuted for standing up for what she believes in, but first I just need to find a country which persecutes middle class white women.
Scott Greengoat: Hey I’m Scott … am I in the right tute right now? My childhood dream is to learn the 11 secret herbs and spices but my other goal is to meet Macaulay Culkin … I dunno why, just for a quality meme. Usually I’m just chillin, skatin, shreddin, getting cooked. But when the ladz are gone I throw my fake joint in the trash, close my Rick and Morty tab to open Echo 360, scavenge a study booth in Chifley and get down to it. You can’t pass law being a full-time stoner, but you can’t have friends being a full-time nerd. It’s a hard life.
Sasha Ragesnfnwjvbncnvjwwdj: Hi I’m Sasha and I’m friggin STRESSED. I have fiv assignments due in three days, four department meetings in four hours and three committee meetings ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Do you know how big my diary is???? It’s the size of your friggin Constitutional Law Textbook. I am constantly five minutes away from a mental breakdown. Do you think I have time for this group assignment? NO FRIGGIN WAY. Oh, and if you’re confused about my last name I’m Sri Lankan but if you’re white and are easily confused, it’s okay to call me Indian. I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WASTE CORRECTING YOU.
* These characters are entirely non-fictional. You know who you are.