Donald Trump to Ban All Men from Entering the United States

In a Tuesday press release that ignited considerable controversy, Republican nominee Donald Trump urged a “total and complete shutdown of men entering the United States”.

To audience murmuring, he continued, “An Illinois study shows the number of males who are acknowledged rapists is 6.1%. Another study finds that 14.9% of males have committed rape, attempted rape or committed sexual assault. Mostly towards women. Women just like the ones here. By the way, just 1% of men would have been unacceptable. I’m not going to say that all males are rapists. But all rapists are clearly male. How long will we let this happen?”

Reporters noted a major shift from Trump’s earlier attitudes on male integration. “Look, I have no problem with men,” Trump claimed in September. “I love men.” But since then, he has been open to the idea of opening a database of all drinks, motel rooms and shady pick up artist guides brought by Americans whose gender predisposed them to violent rape extremism.

Trump held up a copy of Neil Strauss’s The Game. “See this?” he told the audience. “This is their book. Looks harmless enough, right? Think there’s nothing in here that could make your next-door friendly citizen into a manipulative dork? Think again.”

“What about the Muslims?” a man from the front roared.

“Oh right, they’re fine now,” Trump said pensively, before adding, “Provided they don’t have penises of course.”

Trump declared that immigrants would need to share at least one #yesallwomen post, attend 12 units of Gender Studies, and if Syrian, be “reasonably hot – you know, like one of the Kurdish fighter
girls with the flowing hair and green eyes. At least a 7.5. But seriously, none of that hijab stuff. It’s
oppressive”.

Donald Trump’s strategists are to meet in front of a pub dartboard with random English words written across it next week, to determine the next policy announcement.