A rose

Bachie Recaps Episodes Three and Four: Which Circle of Hell is This?

The rivalry no one asked for is continuing, as new and original girls (literally, both groups have been there a week) battle it out over the elusive roses. And god, are the producers trying to get you to care! Our beautiful Vakoo, plucked from the jaws of death after recovering from conjunctivitis, is given a nice bit of exposition that is totally not for the benefit of viewers back home. “Six girls went home?” she gasps, as though she hadn’t noticed that a bunch of random girls had taken the place of other contestants in the mansion. Reality TV at its finest.

But enough with these side characters! Soon, it’s time for everyone’s frontrunner to score some one-on-one time with Matt, cashing in on her golden ticket for a chance to see Melbourne’s finest sights. Don’t worry – the producers wrung out every drop of creativity on this one, and settled on a tour of the racetrack where the Melbourne Cup is held. It must have taken them hours to come up with the idea. Still, Elly loves a good lawn, and every editing trick in the book is thrown in to make you think this girl is ‘wifey’. Listen to that up-tempo music! Even the horses know that this is the endgame couple. The date was about as sweet as the chocolate fest that one would expect from a golden ticket, and the classic duo of a kiss and a rose were served up on a platter. Oh, and they met Gai Waterhouse, who tragically did not seduce Matt. That would have been the greatest twist since those two contestants wound up together after the show ended. Better luck next time, Gai.

Alright! Enough time has been wasted on cute, wholesome romance! It’s time for drama, and in the next group date the girls are forced to find love the old-fashioned way by competing in a non-contact AFL game. Nichole (yes, that is how you spell her name) wins a single date, and the nation collectively begins to fear for Matt’s life. How did it go, you ask? Well, if you’ve ever had to babysit a young child who thought the way to entertain you was to just list how good they are at various sports, then you pretty much have an idea of how the date went. Even the rose gave up, splitting in half when Matt tried to hand it to her. It’s a sign from the gods, mate. Run!

At the cocktail party, Monique nabs some one-on-one time with the bachelor and Nichole is LIVID.  You would expect this, of course – her own one-on-one date was all of five whole minutes ago, and god forbid that kind of injustice be allowed to occur. Well, while she’s having a little tantrum off-screen, we are forced to say goodbye to … contestants? I guess? I swear I’ve never seen them before, but in true Bachelor form he seems to be doing a bit of a cull of the brunettes.

Thursday’s episode picks up where we left off, as we are forced to endure the date with Monique as though it’s an actual thing that wasn’t just thought up to piss off Nichole. Fresh from fighting off allegations that he works in a bank, Matt decides to further confuse audiences by telling Monique he has worked in mining – these poor girls are never going to understand what astrophysics is, are they? Anyway, somehow Monique manages to make even a date in an aeroplane seem dull, and I soon reached the point where I would rather summon Nichole back for another hissy fit than listen to Monique gush about how thoughtful our resident ‘boy toy’ is. Seriously, woman. Get a grip!

Hot off the excitement of high-speed air travel, the show continues to reveal its deeply felt fear that the audience will be bored for so much as a second by raising the stakes to a new level of sauciness. A sexy magazine photoshoot, you say? Hmm. Count me in!

Mary slowly climbs her way up the ranks towards the position of my favourite contestant. This underrated treasure has literally no chance of being final girl, but she’s marvellously entertaining for the rest of us. Creating her own ‘black Cinderella’, this girl has no time or patience for any outfit that doesn’t reveal her cleavage, and I respect that.

But the real battle is heating up between the Persian Princess and our favourite Gemini, as Sogand and Abbie each compete over who can get Matt the most flustered in their photoshoot. What a difficult, tragic life it is for the bachelor. Anyway, the heat fizzles over into the cocktail party with Abbie pinning Matt to the couch not five seconds after swearing blind that she would never do such a thing. What a shock (said no one)!

And at last our guilty pleasure winds to a close, with the final rose dangled between Isabelle and Vakoo. No fear though, our queen is safe (despite getting a repulsive lack of screen time), and we all try to feign sadness as Isabelle vanishes back to wherever she hails from. I’m sure she was great.

One day soon, The Bachelor will start getting rid of the girls we care about. But today is not the day.