A rose

Bachie Recaps Episodes 15 and 16: It’s Gonna Be Forever And It’s Gonna Go Down In Flames

Hold back your tears folks, this is it…our beloved Bachie is finished. We’ll have to turn elsewhere for our weekly dose of over-the-top drama and hideous male fashion.

This week saw a winner crowned, but first let’s go back to where the week began. Our final three, Helena, Abbie and Chelsie, wait patiently as Matt thinks about who he will choose while running shirtless through the bush. But we only have a few minutes to bask in his pensive pectoral glory before we pan to his solo date with Chelsie. Here we learn that he doesn’t seem to know her last name? Really? He’s planning kids with these women but acting delighted when he finds out their surnames? What a catch! Soon, Matt’s memory glitches are the least of Chelsie’s problems. He ropes her into a game of code cracking that involves actual maths for the reward of an oxytocin-emblazoned necklace. It’s cute and nerdy and utterly nauseating, and finishes with Chelsie admitting that she’s falling in love with Matt. Ew, enough with the mushy stuff!

Luckily, Abbie is here to bring the heat, and I do mean that literally. She and Matt are next up with a beach date. Our favourite shameless Gemini becomes our hero by saying the actual words, “I just really want to have sex with you right now.” Wow! If her literally saying it doesn’t convince you that Abbie’s horny, the spectacular dry humping on the sand should probably do the trick. Poor Matt’s sexual prowess must be better than it looks, because it soon reduces the eloquent Abbie to stammering, “I think I’m in love with you.” Although, that might just have been the super-yacht talking. Did I mention that they’re on a super-yacht? Yeah, that’s a thing.

Anyway, we quickly jump to a date with Helena, who did stick around after all. The two of them are on a boring old dinner date when Matt decides not to shy away from the awkward topic of the multiple dumpings. Helena’s statement that she was just ‘testing’ him doesn’t fly with Matt, because there’s no manipulative testing of people’s emotions on this show! No sir! Only some completely above-board forcing of women to reveal their deepest insecurities on national television. Anyway, that’s all for these two, we’re already bored and ready for the rose ceremony. The battle between Matt’s head and his penis is in full swing, with both Abbie and Chelsie claiming their rightful roses. Helena heads off to be a handful for some other poor kid.

Next episode, Helena is promptly forgotten as the finale party head down to South Africa for an exotic, not-quite fairy-tale threesome. It’s all wide shots and bird’s-eye views, and it feels like Channel 10 is pushing a very belated advertisement for Disney’s The Lion King. Abbie’s looking quietly confident (okay, maybe not so quietly), but that’s all about to change when Matt’s best friend Kate, her old nemesis, pops out of the woodwork. She can’t roll her eyes enough at Abbie’s continued presence on the show, and because she is an actual goddess she marches straight over to Abbie to let her know it. But Abbie quickly breaks the cardinal Bachelor rule by bitching about her potential boyfriend’s best friend, which is a direct trip to break-up city. Matt has another friend hanging around too, who gets one-on-one time with Chelsie, but they’re boringly wholesome and friend number two is a Chelsie convert as well. But it’s not over yet.

Abbie’s single date starts with her suggesting that “maybe today will end the longest dry spell in history,” a statement that makes me question her understanding of celibacy. But this is coming from the girl who later moans “Take my chopper virginity” when a helicopter arrives, so I’m not too sure what’s happening in this poor girl’s sex-starved brain. Unfortunately, the date sees them firmly strapped in their chairs, and it’s Chelsie’s poolside date where most of the humping occurs. Goddamn it, Chelsie, haven’t you learned that dry humping is Abbie’s thing?

The big moment arrives, and shock, horror! Chelsie appears first, meaning she gets the loser edit. Everyone and their brother knows the golden rule that the loser gets dumped by the Bachelor first. This means that the winner can enjoy their prize without worrying about dealing with some teary contestant later. So it looks like Abbie is the winner, until Channel 10 pulls a twist ending straight out of an M. Night Shyamalan film. We suddenly cut to Abbie waiting in the desert, looking annoyingly stunning in a beaded dress. We may know by now it’s over for her, but she sure doesn’t. Matt doesn’t make the situation any better by showering her in compliments, until the final devastating blow that his “heart belongs to someone else.” Looking genuinely shattered, Abbie asks him to explain himself. The resulting stammering silence is so long and terrible that it’s almost a relief when Abbie snaps a final “As long as you’re happy. That’s all that matters.” Ouch. Back in the limo, Abbie proudly declares that she will be completely over him by the time the show airs. I can’t be the only one hoping she is kept far, far away from Matt and Chelsie on the way home.

But let’s all forget about Abbie and her paralysing rage. It’s time to focus on our glorious victor, waiting somewhere in the African desert with a blowout to die for. She looks genuinely shocked and starts to sob as Matt pledges his heart to her, and it’s actually very lovely. Still, the producers can’t resist one final cut to their ratings golden girl, Abbie, seething in the limo.

And that’s that! 16 episodes of madness culminating in a very cute, nerdy couple, and here’s wishing them all the best for the future. It seems like we’ll be looking to The Bachelorette for our next fix of matchmaking madness!