A rose

Bachie Recaps Episodes 11 and 12: It’s Only A Matter of Time

Things are beginning to heat up for our Bachelor contestants, and even the all-stars are back to celebrate.

Wednesday’s episode starts with a lovely trip down memory lane with Bachelor winners Sam and Snez joining Matty J and Laura to give advice on… marriage? Living? Making good television? Honestly, they don’t really seem qualified enough to give advice on anything. But hey, I guess both girls are pregnant, and in the world of reality TV that is the ultimate mark of success. Our experts choose Helena to be grilled in an intimate dinner that turns out to be more of an interrogation. It’s pretty awkward, and we’re all relieved at the cut to single date time.

Emma is chosen for the date, still heartbroken at not yet having been impregnated by Matt. At this stage, she’s so smitten that I almost hope he picks her. The two have another food-themed date, injecting aphrodisiacs into chocolate. Isn’t chocolate already an aphrodisiac?  Anyway, it works too well, and the poor chocolatier has to excuse herself while the two pash it out. Come on, guys. Respect the chocolate. Once they’ve finished dishonouring the name of chocolate, the two settle in for a cute little picnic where Emma barely manages to stop herself from shackling Matt to her wrist in a bid to show him how committed she is.

Now it’s time for a regular cocktail party, or is it? Of course not! Osher crashes the party with two date cards asking the women to ‘show initiative’ to gain time with Matt, and the girls just about fall over themselves to get their hands on them. Sogand snatches hers straight away, but Abbie has to try a little harder to get hers. She whines that she needs it more than Elly because of some BIG CONVERSATION she needs to have with Matt. Elly actually gives it to Abbie, and my respect for Elly plummets a little.

Anyway, Matt has some time alone with Sogand. He claims she hasn’t been overt enough in her feelings for him. Um, excuse me, but do you not remember the disgrace of a belly dance that happened last week? Do you think that’s something women whip out just for anyone? When Abbie’s solo moment comes around she seizes her opportunity to…discuss the cheese platter. What a scoundrel!

By the time the rose ceremony swings around, it’s pretty clear that Abbie is here to stay. Unsurprisingly, it is Sogand who is whisked away in the limo. Fare thee well, you final hint of actual diversity, it was nice having you.

Thursday night brings us some of the most uncomfortable moments so far, and this is from a show that made its contestants bathe in chocolate. Worried that Helena might not have completely signed herself over to him heart, soul and uterus, Matt tries to make the girl map out the next ten years of her life with him. This is in front of a nation of people who don’t even know what they’re doing for dinner tonight. Truly nightmarish. Understandably, the activity causes Helena to panic. The increasingly visible producers deal with it in a helpful way by literally chasing her down. Even then she isn’t allowed some time off, and she ends up in a copper bathtub with Matt. The perfect cure for any kind of anxiety.

We cut away from their revolting kissing to a group art class where the straightest, whitest girls you will ever see are invited to ‘embrace their inner drag queens’ by painting a special self-portrait. The results are all average-to-bad, except for Abbie’s, which is actually the source of nightmares and probably a portal into hell or something. Appropriate. 

When the rose ceremony begins Elly is at the end of her tether, furious (if such an emotion is possible for her) that Abbie did not show gratitude for her one-on-one time with Matt. To be honest, I’m with Abbie on this one. Elly made the stupid decision to give her the card in the first place, even if she was a bit distracted by the high-pitched whine of Abbie saying ‘gimme it’. So Elly decides not to learn from the failures of previous contestants and tries her hand at warning Matt against the manipulative Abbie. Poor Matt doesn’t want to listen though, he’s still distracted by how hot Abbie is. Apparently it takes more than three times to get a message through to this guy. That’s good to know before you marry him!

Anyway, Abbie is NOT HAPPY, but her furiously arching eyebrows will have to wait because it’s time for the rose ceremony. Despite the producers desperately trying to create suspense, it’s painfully obvious to everyone but Kristen that we will be saying goodbye, or zaijian, to her tonight. She actually does seem pretty blindsided, and it would almost be sad if I weren’t so numb to the whole thing at this point.

I guess we will all have to tune in next week to see Matt actually use that science brain to work out that Abbie may be a bit shady. Although at this point my hope is fading fast.