Only three girls remain in the fight to the death for Matty Johnson’s johnson. Who will win? My money is on Hockeyroo, aka the one who ticks all of Matty’s boxes but we’re still pretending like she hasn’t already won. Georgia Love 2.0 (GL2.0) is just here to hold up her end of the bargain she made with Channel Ten: she’ll be on the show as long as there are at least two close-up shots of her jewellery every couple of episodes. The Sausage Queen is, unfortunately, too loud for Matty. But the joke is on everyone. Osher will be victorious #Mosher. With my predictions out of the way, let’s jump into Episode 15.

Here’s our mandatory Matty-is-shirtless-standing-on-a-beach-looking-tortured shot. Poor little Matty, it’s so hard getting paid to do literally nothing except treat women like prizes to be won on national television. We watch Matty try to surf on flat water, and then we get more melancholy staring-off-into-the-distance shots. Quality TV, how did Channel Ten go bankrupt?

Time for Matty and GL2.0 to spend some quality time together. Lots of suspicious close-ups of GL2.0s blinged out hands. There’s a fancy car and a lot of drone shots to remind us that Channel Ten hasn’t taken its dying breath quite yet. Matty wants GL2.0 to Open Up more, because he wants to Collect Them All and have all three women announce their love for him. They go gliding, they land on a beach, and they have a smooch. Matty whips out a portrait of GL2.0 that he claims he drew. I’m calling bullshit – we ALL saw the drawing he did at the start of the show. There’s no hope for someone who draws like that. I would know. The idea of Matty going back to his Bach Pad and settling down with a cuppa and his sketchbook to draw GL2.0 just Creeps Me Out. GL2.0 pretends to be amazed and quickly tries to figure out the best way to destroy the drawing as soon as possible. I would burn it with fire, and then burn the ashes. And then dump the ashes in the middle of the ocean, weighed down by a large rock. Maybe with some explosives attached. Anyway, GL2.0 really dishes out the goods for her contract and says that she’s ‘utterly falling in love’ with Matty, whose response is ‘I didn’t expect that’. Yeah alright, Matty. One down, two to go.

A steam train arrives and, with it, Matty’s subtle message to Hockeyroo that he ‘Choo-Choo-Chooses’ her. Just in case we forgot, we get a reminder that Matty only realised Hockeyroo existed late in the game and that ever since their first date, things have been moving really quickly. Hockeyroo and Matty have a big smooch; Matty says he feels like he’s in a movie and is being reunited with his lover. I literally vomit in my mouth. Matty tries to find out what Mama Hockeyroo really thought of him, and they discuss ways to improve Matty’s potato mashing technique. Nothing much happens, and then we’re going to a Romantic Campfire Under the Stars. ‘Jeez’, thought Channel Ten, ‘you know what we’ll need at a campfire? Lots and lots of candles! Perfect!’ I swear to god. We learn that Matty likes to ‘get Straight On In There’ when it comes to women, wait no I misheard, MARSHMALLOWS. He was talking about ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS, my bad. They both talk about how perfect they are for one another. Some really dramatic romantic music plays as Hockeyroo says that she’s falling in love with Matty. Lots of pashing. Matty says Hockeyroo is the Dream, and that he Couldn’t Want Anything More. Ok, ok, we get it, you’re into her. She has so got this.

Matty takes the Sausage Queen on a seaplane, and she screams at him for a while. Matty talks about the tingles he gets in his fingers and butterflies in his tumtum when he’s around the Queen. Oh, do go on, tell us more about where you get these tingles, Matty. More screaming and laughing, the Queen talks about how much she likes Matty. Suddenly we’re on a Yacht (tha$nk$s $Chann$el$ $Ten$$), and Matty says that everything is Magical and he could Be In This Moment Forever. The cheeky bastard, he’s lying about either Hockeyroo or the Queen. We’re off the Yacht because it’s really expensive to hire, and now we’re among thousands of candles. The Queen says she’s falling for Matty, and Matty says he feels like he’s in a dream and he’s ‘suspended’ and ‘never wants to wake up’. Lord Almighty.

ROSE CEREMONY (where did COCK time go??)! Matty is having another Tortured Soul moment because getting rid of someone he has knowingly strung along for two months is ‘gonna suck ay’. Finally, Osher arrives to calm everyone down and extinguish the several fires that have started due to all the fucking candles. Matty has TWO ROSES, but there are only THREE LADIES, so that means ONE WILL BE GOING HOME. I’m on the edge of my seat – Matty really didn’t give anything away this episode. The first rose goes to Laura??? I didn’t expect that, but ok, must be in the contract. And the second rose goes to Hockeyroo (knew it). The Sausage Queen doesn’t get a rose. Matty’s voice breaks while he says goodbye to the Queen outside. I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING! The Queen leaves in her chariot of sausages and has a bit of a cry. Please don’t be sad Tara; you were just too happy and fun for Matty.

Alright, see you back here soon to talk about Hockeyroo’s Big Win.