At the bequest of our affectionate and extremely white billionaire headmasters, the newly announced Ramsay Centre has undergone such a massive last minute redesign that Kevin McCloud has dropped dead in his flat pack home. Worry not, immaculately well-dressed ghost of Kevin, as there are some downright awesome ideas in the new building plan. They include:
- Underfloor heating powered by Adani Certified coal.
- Every academic integrity issue is resolved by Alan Jones live on air from an in-house broadcast studio.
- They’ve built an actual ‘Western Cannon’ which is an exquisite reproduction of a US Confederate Army gun.
- To give the impression of diversity, they’re going to hire people straight from the catwalk to stand still and be model minorities.
- All the offices are double glazed, but the air-conditioner only works when the windows are open.
- It’s so enlightened that there’s no way to turn off the extremely powerful and hot lights.
- High security areas of the building have done away with fingerprint sensors and have been replaced by an armchair-phrenologist in-residence.
- FULL MERITOCRACY: would-be interns will battle to the death in a specially constructed Arena of Blood (unpaid).
- Secret meetings between powerful ANU figures and donors! This is not exactly an idea or a feature, just like a really cool idea that we should all support in general.
- ‘Shady Political Tie’ Racks: keep track of who really pays the bills around the place with the inbuilt storage in every desk.
The Chancellery has assured students that they hear and understand their concerns relating to the Ramsay Centre. By this they mean that, yes, the sound waves are reaching their ears and each word individually is understood according to the relevant definition. They’ve also announced a new program aimed at dealing with the problematic aspects of the Ramsay Centre and the University in general. Senior Management Consultancy Expert Sip Lervice had this to say:
“Going forward we’ll be engaging with our custo- the student body and various stakeholders, with a view to synergizing our aims and establishing a compromise weighted heavily towards the interests of our good political buddies and their ill-gotten fortunes”.
We acknowledge the Ngunnawal and Ngambri people, who are the Traditional Custodians of the land on which Woroni, Woroni Radio and Woroni TV are created, edited, published, printed and distributed. We pay our respects to Elders past and present and emerging. We acknowledge that the name Woroni was taken from the Wadi Wadi Nation without permission, and we are striving to do better for future reconciliation.