Western Australia is going back to the election booth on the 5th of April. As both a political junkie and a Sandgroper, I have a mindset only comparable to a 13 year old at a Justin Bieber concert. I therefore see it as my duty to inform the public within this campaign period. So next time you are arguing Western Australian politics over a Chai Mochachino, you can argue with a slight factual advantage. (Please note that this article does not endorse any party or candidate.)

Kim Mubarak:

With no known relationship to the 29 Time ‘Mr Egypt’, Kim comes in at last position on the ballot paper. He is only one of two ungrouped independents. He operates under the slogan of ‘Never allow political parties to dictate your God given Rights’.

Kim has a number of interesting stances on a wide range of issues. He believes that ‘Political parties in this country have been operating unconstitutionally because they are nowhere to be recognized in the constitution.’ Kim also has some strange ideas on stimulating the economy and producing more jobs. ‘I have founded a Multi-million business Called KIDIMA INTERNATIONAL MATOOKE IMPORT AND EXPORTS PTY LTD, to employ thousands and thousands of our people in Australia, the same time saving millions of our people’s lives from cancer and diabetes. That includes to open up More than 20 Restaurants across the nation. What I need is government’s financial support to make it happen in the best interest of creating jobs.’ No doubt if Kim is elected, his entry into the register of pecuniary interests will be quite the read. But other than that, who wouldn’t want to cure cancer, diabetes and unemployment with one dose of taxpayer money?

Kim also has some fairly interesting social policies. On the one hand he wants ’Tough laws’ to ‘be enacted to those who cheat in a relationship.’ He also does not want to ’allow gay people dealing with our children.’ Yet Kim is an advocate of legal reformation for ’those who wants to marry more than one person as long as they love each other and agree to keep that relationship safe.’ The self described ‘king of bling’ has a complex political nature. It would be foolish to try to label Kim under any political doctrine.

Teresa Van Lieshout:

Teresa Van Lieshout had her moment of fame in 2013 when she sawed off her wheel-clamp in an anti-political party rage, and posted her video to YouTube. Teresa is back in 2014, and implores ‘all the white Australians should vote for me because racism against white Australians is definitely on the increase.’ Teresa has a long list of people that she has a gripe with; from psychiatrists to the gay community.

Teresa draws strongly upon her Christian values. However, her perception of our legal system is perhaps slightly dubious; ’Jesus Christ of the New Testament is THE LAW’. She is a proud supporter of Australia’s ‘Christian Heritage’. Teresa fears for humanity with the ‘anti-Christ ‘man’’ who ‘will come out of the European Union, probably the Soviet Union (north of Israel).’ Teresa believes in a terrible Satanic/atheist conspiracy involving the Global Financial Crisis, the International Monetary Fund, and George Bush Senior. Teresa is terrified that ‘humanity will be forced to wear the anti-Christ’s mark of the beast, 666, on their right hand or forehead, so that no one can buy or sell goods unless they have the mark.’ Let us hope that our politicians can save us from such a dreadful demise of humanity.

Australian Voice Party:

The Australian Voice Party (AVP) has two candidates for this election; Brian W Parkes and Sean Butler. AVP is a conservative party; in favour of protectionism, Christian values, and ‘the traditional family unit’. The AVP ‘believes that no Government funding should be provided to any ethnic, cultural or other group which engages in, supports or otherwise encourages any anti-Australian or anti-Christian activity.’ Competing Senate candidates Russell Woolf and Verity James would not be happy with what AVP would do to Aunty.

Miscellaneous:

There are a number of wonderful one issue parties contesting the Senate election. We have the Voluntary Euthanasia Party, the Animal Justice Party, and the Help End Marijuana Prohibition (HEMP) Party. However most of these parties are legitimately attempting to have some form of power, so the ridiculousness of their statements is toned down to ‘suppository’ on the gaffe-o-meter.