John XXIII College has added three more names to an ever-expanding list of expelled alumni, with three male residents excluded in connection with a room prank featuring a dead seagull.
Woroni has learned that three residential contracts were immediately terminated after an extensive investigation conducted by College Administration identified three boys as the perpetrators of the room-and-gull violation.
Woroni understands that the prank unfolded spontaneously after the fateful discovery of an expired seagull on an early-morning journey home from Mooseheads during the mid-year break. While the cause of the bird’s death remains unknown, speculation abounds that it has something to do with the fact that it was really fucking far from the sea. Enlightened by the wisdom that only a sampling of the finest Moose brews can impart, the boys carried the carcass back to College before placing it in its final resting place in a friend’s room.
As some animals are wont to do after they cease to exist, the stench of decomposing gull began wafting through the corridors. Initially, mistaken for the aroma of the College’s Sunday night dinner, the bird was discovered by cleaners a short time later. Woroni has been informed that the prank was made possible by the fact that the room’s occupant had left his door unlocked before departing for the holidays. In addition to putrefying avian flesh, College Administration apparently smelt bullshit on this point, with insiders telling Woroni that Administration toyed with the idea of fingerprinting master keys in a hilariously CSI-attempt to catch the culprits. Ultimately, the all-seeing omnipresent eye of the Administration brought an end to the investigations with CCTV footage exposing the boys’ identities.
Although unconfirmed, the boys are suspected members of the College’s renegade team of avant-garde interior designers, whose infamous bedroom blitz operations include last year’s controversial redecoration of several residents’ rooms with pig carcasses. Operating under anonymity, the group’s endless pursuit of stylistic innovation has been largely unwelcomed by College Administration who have categorically rejected the introduction of decomposing animals as incompatible with the building’s Soviet-inspired aesthetic.
In a statement issued to Woroni, Steve Foley, Head of John XXIII College, confirmed the exclusions:
“There were a number of exclusions last semester because of property damage in residents’ rooms. The College takes a dim view of conduct that can’t be reconciled with those standards of conduct outlined in the Handbook and has acted in a timely, prompt and fair manner on each of the occasions that it has had to respond.”
Woroni understands that, since taking up the Johns’ helm at the beginning of 2012, the Foley Administration’s iron-fisted rule has been characterised by a strictly disciplinarian, zero-tolerance approach to dissidents and troublemakers which has seen five people expelled from Johns this year and the College’s beloved “Out the Back Day” repeatedly cancelled.
The Administration’s merciless handling of this gee-up fiasco, has left some pondering whether this signals the end of Johns’ infamous and colourful history of room violations, and whether the College is now headed down the path of becoming Canberra’s most expensive daycare.
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