Unaustralian of the Year: Kyrgios v Fraser

The Wind Turbine Commission has recently discovered that Australians are a bunch of fruit bats that are making the country look like a bunch of fruit bats. In light of recent events re: Kyrgios v Fraser, the Commission has conducted a Royal Inquiry into Australian sport and kindly released a set of standard guidelines to model acceptable Aussie behaviour. The following is an extract from the ‘True Blue Bible’.

It’s about fair dinkum time you and I had a real chat about what it means to be a real strayan. Now listen up Bruce.

You wanna be real Aussie? Well then don’t youse be acting like a bowl of fruit loops, mate! Yer better throw some prawns on the barbie because real Strayans say welcome. But only if yer wearing budgie smugglers and yer talk like us, drink like us and use f@*% as an adjective at least once every sentence. Now pass me the VB and hop off it. Goodon’ya mate!

Real strayans win because we’re naturally good at sport. You see this sunburnt country? Tough as nails. Aussies have to let other people win because everyone deserves a fair go. That’s our policy. Remember Liesel Jones? She had “breathing problems”. That girl had it right. Bloody champion.

Being a real strayan means telling people to go back to wherever they came from, especially if you’re a swimming veteran who’s actually from Britain. If they’re acting like a bloody wuss, then you better spit the dummy mate. Sportsmanship is for the weak and pretentious. Strayans are not sore losers! Don’t confuse us with the Brits!

Now don’t be givin’ me any business about that Kyrgios boy. Tanking is a just a fancy American word for sulking. You see, Dawn had him away with the pixies when she sent him a series of dirty texts. He’s still a young and inexperienced buck and he fell right for it. Then, outta nowhere, a tall lookin’ bloke in a pair of Bonds undies. “Oi yer wombat. Get your hands off my sheila”. It was Pat Rafter, mad as a bloody hornet in the bottle. Kyrgios picked out a wedgie just like Nadal had taught him.

“Mate, why don’t you back off?”

“This isn’t about self-entitlement, son”. Noyce. Yeah, unique. I loyke it. Very noyce. “It’s about being hungry.” Wait, what? Is he still talking about Dawn?

“You aren’t no true blue Rafter. Go back to your country!”

Then Dawn texts Kyrgios ­­that she’s not his silver possum anymore because there’s another bloke and the kid was spewin’ mate. Well that’s that. Of course the kid dropped his racquet.

This year the Un-australian of year award went to Pat Rafter. Those undies made the crowd wilder than a bucket of prawns. As for telling Kyrgios that tennis isn’t “about a sense of entitlement”, well that just speaks for itself. Crikey! The turbines themselves, however, seem to be silent on the matter. We are still waiting on a statement from Prime Minister Rabbit.