Welcome back, fans of trashy television and low-stakes drama! It’s time for a breakdown of the new dating show in town. The end of The Bachelor left a bitter hole in our hearts, so let’s get invested in The Bachelorette’s new set of eligible contestants. With the first week already delivering some piping hot drama and ‘meme-able’ moments, it looks like it’s going to be a good run.
First, we’re introduced to our Bachelorette Angie, the rising star of Gogglebox. Here she’s branching out from commenting on TV shows to commenting on eligible men. She’s blonde (shocker!), loves trashy TV and dogs, and makes vagina jokes, so naturally she’s the ‘cool girl’ all men fantasise about. We linger on her just long enough for her to be sufficiently likeable. Then we move on to the real reason we’re all watching: the parade of men out to win her heart, or at least a chance not to be edited out.
There are A LOT of them, and many of them look the same. So without further ado, it’s time to introduce the highlights of the night. These are the men we’ll only remember enough to know whether we pulled them in the office sweepstake.
Timm (No, that’s not a typo, his parents just couldn’t stop at one ‘M’):
Henceforth known as ‘sunflower boy’. Angie wonders how he knew sunflowers were special to her. Great job, mate, who doesn’t love sunflowers? He’s cute in a surf instructor way, and the kind of boy old women describe as a ‘darl’: not exactly hubby material, but good enough.
Carlin (Like the fish from Finding Nemo, spelled with a C):
He’s straight-laced, sweet and handsome enough to make any of his qualities immediately triple in impressiveness. This one may be my personal pick of the litter. Sure, I guessed wrong by picking Elly as winner of The Bachelor, but it’s a new season and a clean slate. Plus, this man is a real-life Disney Prince brought to life.
Jaime (It’s unisex):
A fireman. Holding a puppy. He’s a human charity calendar. Also, he’s reasonably understanding of the complete lack of attention Angie shows him once the puppy appears. Honestly, it’s understandable. Can the puppy be a contestant?
Kayde (Too much to unpack. It’s a name somewhere between Cain from the bible and Kate):
Unfortunately, someone made the terrible mistake of telling the booksmart boy that he looks a bit like Zac Efron. He interpreted that to mean that he could do a Baywatch-themed entrance. No, honey, no.
Ciarran (So many Rs):
Sexy Willy Wonka. Need I say more?
Jess (Like the Veronica):
Came in with a literal throne to sit on, and honestly the only king I see is King of the Douchebags. Creeper alert going off the charts with this one. If he wins, it will set feminism back a few centuries.
We quickly flick through a series of introductions, including one poor guy who brought a lizard and still didn’t make the final cut. Then comes the final twist: Angie’s brother Brad, under the suspiciously normal name Mark, goes undercover to dish up dirt on the other boys.
Carlin kills the cocktail party with a song that would probably be cringy if the guy didn’t look like a stock image of ‘Mr Right’. But there’s some competition afoot. The men are vying for the precious ‘24 hour’ rose, guaranteeing them a full-day date with the lucky lady. Jaime apparently forgets that this isn’t the Olympics and goes into competitive overdrive. Meanwhile Jess, still wearing a cape, flexes his toxic masculinity by saying he wouldn’t take the rose if he were offered it. Long story short: Brad tells Angie, Angie confronts Jess, Jess blames Jamie, and Jamie sits by the fire to manage his devastation. The grown man is on the verge of tears, and I’m worried about the emotional stability of our firefighters.
The episode ends with Brad unveiling himself and Carlin getting the 24-hour rose (yay!). Two random men we met for about five seconds are given the boot, and Jess continues to be a horse’s ass.
We pick up the next day with the much publicised 24-hour date, and it’s the glampiest glamping you ever saw. Carlin’s starting to look more and more like the perfect guy until BOOM! Bombshell! He announces he’s secretly married. Honestly, Angie doesn’t seem to mind too much, and I wouldn’t either after looking at that angel baby face.
The date lasts about five minutes before the rest of the men burst in for a group date. In a subversive masterpiece the typical sexual photoshoot is substituted for a hilarious ‘animal attraction’ photo sesh. Trust me, you have not known true joy until you’ve seen a man trying to look attractive as a red-painted lobster. Another supposedly grown-up man throws a tantrum because his chicken suit gives him ‘testicles’ under his chin.
Jaime starts to get a bit creepy-stalker-esque, but his creep factor is overshadowed by Jess. He somehow thinks it’s appropriate to make lewd gestures at Angie while her back is turned and to comment on the ‘view’. It gets worse when the shoot wraps up, and he starts bragging about all the non-consensual kissing he’s engaged in. In a feat of self-restraint, I managed not to break the TV.
Carlin and some other beautifully feminist boys, who warm the cockles of my heart, surge to the rescue by telling Angie what’s been said. She proceeds to confront Jess with the BADASS GIRL POWER SPEECH WE ALL DESERVE. Watching Jess get into that limo is strangely cathartic. You can almost hear the women of Australia cheering as he’s driven away to whatever cesspit he crawled out from.
Well, that’s the first week of The Bachelorette over. Already, there’s been some big-boy hissy fits, a solid dose of feminist girl power, bitter rivalries emerging and, most importantly, the return of Osher’s majestic head of hair. It’s good to be back.