Like the inevitability of a morning-after curry-crap, it came and it went, leaving a hot sting and a sense of shame. The electoral spluttering of the ALP resembled only a Kalashnikov carving through their own calves, and so the Coalition easily spread its politics of panic across Australia. The Abbott Government is shaping up to be more akin to a pack of rapid, vindictive dogs, terrorising suburban families, running rampant through the AFP Academy, knocking over bins and fighting over the scraps outside. Despite his mandate to do bugger all, Abbot will be hard pressed to ram through his Natural Apocalyptic Dial-Up Internet & Job Cuts Bill 2013 or their Fuck You All Bill 2014 through a Senate which resembles a B&S Ball-cum-Republican Party Primary debate. But don’t panic – yet – because that’s what the Tories want. They, too, know that there’s more than one way to skin a rabid dog.

Coming soon to a News Corp shit-rag near you, advertisements pleading:

Young, independently minded, articulate, and forward looking?

Abbott needs you!

For the voluntary emigration plan. Help spread Australian minds across the globe!

The election of the Coalition was roundly condemned by Australia’s youth. And Abbott fears us. He fears the death of his demographic, and the rise of intelligent young minds sick of inhumane, inconsistent, and mostly non-existent ‘policy’. The best way for this Smeagol lookalike to dig his flesh-eating claws into the electorate is to remove the possibility of coherent opposition. Expect the cuts to education, expect the increased use of student loans, expect the brain drain. He’ll bedazzle our eyes with one-way flights to New York, London, Paris, and Tokyo, cramming us onto Qantas jets like fat, stoned lemmings, standing on the tarmac, shaking his wiry fist as the plane lifts off, hissing like a meth-addict, “Good fucking riddance!”

Don’t think the ALP gets off scot-free! Judging from their ability to communicate they’ll have to return to the remedial class for the time being. Although, just maybe, without “God’s gift to the Labor Party” at the helm, they’ll string together a coherent sentence, or at least a selfless one. If Chifley could have heard Rudd’s concession speech he’d have gone the full Bathurst-Special on the little man from Queensland. Rudd would still be extricating the glass from his face.

Now the ALP are left with either the exciting, masochistic prospect of a primary-style leadership ballot. In which – shock and horror – they may actually elect a true opposition leader! Shorten was born a guttersnipe and grown into a turncoat with a shit-eating grin to match Abbott. Electing him would be tantamount to the ALP smearing the light on the hill with their own blood and excrement. Each ‘New Way’ commercial may as well have come with the tagline, ‘The introduction of the ALP-Right, tastes just like Coalition-Lite!’ Albanese, a gutter-stomping street-brawler favoured among the party’s true believers, has stood against Shorten. A tried and tested leftie, he’s the best hope of establishing a Labor Party, which looks towards its true future as a social democratic political force.

But fuck both groups of these fear-mongering reprobates. Dumb electorates elect dumb governments and expect less from them. The ultimate achievement of politics since the election of Howard has been the restriction of intelligent debate and the active dumbing down of politics. Hell, 8% of NSW couldn’t tell the difference between the Liberal Party and the Liberal Democrats! Let’s take a page from the gospel of Palmer, and jump in head-first. Let’s start our own political party! Damnit, if Clive Palmer, Bob Katter, and some idiot-who-throws-kangaroo-shit-around can start their own political parties, then we can too. The Australian Electoral Commission sets out the process clearly. All we’ll need is 500 members, an unobjectionable name, to write a constitution, and fill out three pages of paperwork. And hell, I reckon I’ve got a solid 300 of those possible members in my Facebook friends list alone! In a world of single serving, five-minute mental stimulation, however, there’s little hope for the success of an ‘Intelligent Politics Party’ or the ‘Policy Party’. Even the Australian Democrats are wasting away like an English backpacker in the Simpson Desert.

So, I guess I’m saying something else. If you want to oppose government or the political process, be clear and effective in your opposition. If you want actual change then actually be active. Write to members, write to the newspaper, turn out to rallies, learn some political history, and articulate your views. Running and hiding is what both the Coalition and Coalition-Lite want you to do. It maintains the status quo and won’t achieve shit.