Procrastination Is The Devil

 

I read earlier this week that a satirical Christian website run in America has accused Barack Obama of deliberately spreading the Ebola virus so he can infect Americans, kill Jesus and establish a ”New Age of Liberal Darkness”. It got me thinking, if we’ve missed this obvious fact, what other heinous crimes has Obama committed right under our nose? With that in mind, I would like to talk about procrastination.

I will prove to you that the harmless pastime known as procrastination is actually a powerful societal force, administered by Obama, designed to keep the status quo in place. All the hallmarks for a great conspiracy are there: motive, method and even science to back it up.

In this scenario where Obama is in fact using procrastination to maintain the status quo, one has to ask themselves… what’s in it for him? Surely if everyone in society used their spare time being productive rather than procrastinating then the economy would flourish? Not so.

Basically a society needs workers. It’s no good for everyone to be the best they can be because before long everybody will be too good to do the menial jobs that keeps a society ticking over. By using the power of procrastination however, the temptation to forgo the attainment of your full potential in favour of a cat video on Youtube means that you’re the perfect candidate to be Obama’s faithful worker bee.

After motive, we must establish method.

The answer is simple and is a staple in every good conspiracy theory: brainwashing. The only question is, how do you brainwash a society without them realising they’re being brainwashed? The answer is three words that will chill you to your core: Neil. Patrick. Harris.

In How I Met Your Mother, NPH is very rarely, if ever, shown to be working. In fact, up until the last season, no one even knows what he does for a living. He puts off having genuine adult relationships until the later seasons, he spends all his spare time in bars destroying the brain cells that he might otherwise use to disturb the status quo, and throughout the show, this behaviour is repeatedly referred to as “awesome”. This pattern is repeated until you, the viewer, subconsciously associate procrastinating with being “awesome”.

Even his catchphrase is a subliminal message. Ladies and gentlemen prepare yourselves, because I am about to open your eyes. Think back. What is Barney Stinson’s catchphrase? Do you remember? “It’s going to be legen-waitforit-dary”. Wait. For. It. Whatever task you’ve been putting off to watch his show, he’s instructing you to keep putting it off. This is how deep the rabbit hole goes. If you can’t trust Neil Patrick Harris, whom can you trust?

You know what the kicker is? It’s so obvious! We’ve all been so blind. In How I Met Your Mother, NPH has a black brother. You know who else is black? Obama. Let that sink in.

So we have motive and we have method; now all we need is the science.

In evolutionary biology there is a concept known as “stabilising selection”. Stabilising selection is the notion that a particular trait in a population may evolve to become more uniform throughout that population. In this case, the trait in question is time spent procrastinating. As I’ve already discussed, it is not advantageous to have a society that is top heavy, but on the other hand, if too many people are at the opposite extreme of the spectrum, then society will suffer as well.

In this model, procrastination is a middle-class delight for people living hand-to-mouth to aspire too, but it is also an anchor that keeps that same middle-class from overstepping their suburban bounds.

We have motive. We have method. We have science to back it up. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the procrastocracy.