People. You can’t live without them. (Well actually, you can, you just wouldn’t be in need of the plural). People; they have most likely surrounded you, or will soon surround you, for the duration of your course. So what can you do with them – these people?

You can marry people, for starters (depending on your government approved sexual orientation). Or, more probably, you could not quite lose your virginity to a person who you meet in your second tutorial. After that you can go and find some other people to help you rebuild your self-worth, smile-by-hug-by-smile. That way you can go right ahead and shatter it once again when you ask Sam out to see Pacific Rim and SAM REFUSES LIKE THE COLD HEARTED ALT-J FAN THEY ARE.

Furthermore, some people have been proven to be worse than Sam (though not many). For example, some people like to bomb other sorts of people. And other people bomb people to stop people bombing other-other people. Some people even bomb people, then say they didn’t bomb people, whilst still bombing people. Some people try and pretend their bombs are more humanitarian than other people’s bombs (though nobody who’s been near one in action has been able to confirm this). Ultimately you have to concede that you can’t control such peoples and persons, and instead move on, by dating Charlie (Sam’s best friend).

There’s nothing you can do about war/Sam’s ambivalence to your advances. Sure, you could offer medical aid/ingratiate your way into Sam’s inner circle, or provide shelter for refugees/let Sam cry in your lap. But trying to negotiate a peace treaty to end such a war would be like trying to arrange a threesome (in that it would only clarify Charlie and Sam’s reasons for conflict).

So lately, you’ve been thinking your life might actually have been better if Charlie and Sam hadn’t ever existed at all. There’d have been no fighting that way. As John Lennon put it, “Imagine all the people/living their life in peace.” Only Lennon’s peace would have been so much easier if people didn’t exist (peace would be near-guaranteed, in fact). So you may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m hoping to be the only one.

If John Lennon had been the only person in the world, chances are he’d still be alive. Better yet, Ringo Starr wouldn’t be famous. Better-better yet, due the logic of a world with one human being, Ringo Starr wouldn’t even be alive.

But, sadly, the truth for all of us is that we will never be alone. We’re locked in a yellow submarine, dodging bombs thrown by those of us with cabin fever. Charlies and Sams will always exist, and they’ll forever be independent from our influence, no matter how confusing their actions are.

That’s why I said nothing when Charlie and Sam announced their engagement. In such situations you can do nothing except cross your fingers and be glad of your own negotiations for peace and threesomes.