A new ANU resident has been referred to pastoral care services after it was confirmed that not one single member of her family or friendship group had expressed concern over her decision to relocate to Canberra.
‘I didn’t know I was such a remarkable case,’ she said in a statement, ‘but since I got here all anyone can joke about is the incredulity of their loved ones and the classic “Canberra’s not that bad” gag. Nobody even asked me why I would move from my inner-city hipster haven in the first place, or tried to be funny by paying out Canberra’s cultural scene.’
Woroni spoke to the student’s Senior Resident while both parties were rather inebriated on Thursday night. While he was unable to release the name or specific details of the case due to its highly sensitive nature, he confirmed that the student had developed somewhat of an inferiority complex and was questioning how much her family actually loved her.
‘In that family, the level of support is so underwhelming that it makes my own siblings’ monosyllabic grunts over the phone sound like personalised love letters’, he said.
When pressed on the likely course of action and recovery plan for the student, the Senior Resident stated: ‘I’ll probably offer her a drink or two and she should be right after that.’
He added, ‘Pastoral care concerns like this are why I took on this role. It definitely wasn’t for the authoritative polo shirt or the residential subsidy.’
Neither the student nor her family could be reached for comment.