Minister for High Quality And Definitely Voluntary Cinema

ReJoyce: New Hero of Australian Cinema is here. From the comedy and drama of Parliament emerges the glorious debut film from the Department of Agriculture, starring Johnny Depp, Amber Heard and two adorable bundles of unregulated disease and pestilence named Pistol & Boo. A short but incredibly gripping film, clocking in at a mere 42 seconds, the couple’s apology has been released to global acclaim and is being hailed as the performance of both Depp and Heard’s careers. The film has already been predicted to dominate this year’s awards season, tipped to win big at The AACTA Awards, The Oscars, and The (Clive) Palmer d’Or, in honour of famous patron of the arts and Titanic II.

Shared on his Facebook page, the short video marks Barnaby Joyce’s directorial debut. However the Minister for Agriculture has been reluctant to reveal the extent of his involvement with the project, perhaps concerned that global stardom would interfere with his day job. His colleagues have been less hesitant, with Bill Shorten allegedly offering to write a sequel script consisting entirely of his signature ‘zingers’. In a desperate attempt to remain relevant, former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has apparently offered to make a short video on avian quarantine due to his extensive knowledge on smuggling budgies.

The film has also revitalised the careers of both Depp and Heard. For Depp, the role provided a brief reprise from his signature role of ‘man with eyeliner’ and proved his versatility in delivering dialogue without using any facial muscles. Heard has also reportedly been approached to narrate several wildlife documentaries following her flawless delivery of such stirring dialogue as ‘Australia is free of many pests and diseases that are commonplace around the world.’ Indeed some have hailed her as ‘the next David Attenborough’ and were stunned by the couple’s genuine and not-at-all contrived passion for quarantine.

Various government agencies are already negotiating for use of the film. It is believed that Tourism Australia is likely to adopt ‘Australians: Warm, Firm and Direct’ as the slogan for their 2017 ad campaign. There has also been discussion of a feature-length sequel, produced by studio behind the iconic ‘Piracy: It’s A Crime’ campaign. ‘Pistol & Boo: You wouldn’t steal a car, you wouldn’t steal a handbag, you wouldn’t bring your undeclared domestic animals into Australia’ is likely to be released in March 2018.

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