¡The age of entitlement is over! Joe Hockey has scrawled it across the cubical walls in each and every loo up on the Hill, at least once in human excrement. Anthony Abbott’s been forced to tattoo it to his forehead, just in case anyone dares question his passion for the destruction of a diverse economy ever again. And let’s not forget those backbench lemmings who’re more than happy to careen around the city in decommissioned Holdens screaming “GOVERNMENT BY SLOGAN” and throwing cans of SPC fruit at the unsuspecting citizens.

It’s been awhile since I ventured off into the mindfuck entailed by an outside appreciation of the woes and tantrums of the Abbott Government, and there’s just so much to discuss. If you’re looking for extra Christianity in your curriculum whilst accepting less employment, industry, and freedom of information in your country then “Ya’ll find it downunder!”, or so it’s heard that George Dubya sniggered with a dirty grin from Texan ear to Texan ear, like a used car salesman who’s just taken you to the cleaners. Having summarily dealt with Rann, and soon to kneecap the once great kneecapper, Beazley, Abbott’s sent out feelers to the States. Rumour has it he’s lining up a new Chairman of the ABC by calling in a favour with senior Republican and Speaker of the House Boner Boehner. Could none other than Rupert Murdoch be set to be catapulted over the Pacific, aimed squarely at Turnbull’s soon-to-be-shitstained, wet Lib head? Let’s face it: an ABC run by the mastermind behind FOX would satisfy the sordid wet dreams of the Liberal Party.

But really, what am I saying, we should be serious about these things; we’re in a state of war, aren’t we? At least that’s what Abbott appears to have claimed on breakfast television. War seems an appropriate response to the cancellation of the clusterfuck which was the Weekly Xenophobia Report. Not only does it make for better television but we’re now closer than ever, what with the consistency of our incursions into Indonesian territory and all.

Fear not, however! For the next generation of our increasingly violent and self-centred progeny will be instilled with a profound knowledge of Western Civilization, c.f. colonialism, eugenics, the atomic bomb, totalitarianism, McDonald’s, the First World War, and the Second World War. If you wish to learn more about the brilliance of the Western ideology you can pick up Cory Bernadi’s new political treatise, Some of My Bestfriends are Gay, but…, or just belt your own face against a brick wall for a half hour – both are equally enlightening.

But if war hawks with the mental capacity of lobotomy patients run the government, it’s the Bikers & Builders Union operating out around the other side of the Table of the House. When you consider the hard graft which goes into successfully pushing meth, it’s no wonder that Bill “Labor Cancer” Shorten actually looks the goods to run down Abbott in a term. Although, that’s a slight on bikies: Abbott’s doing most of Shorten’s work for him. The summer break gave me a chance to admire the true, putrid beauty of the Abbott Government racing the long dead McMahon Government to the coveted “Least Functional Government” award – Tom Waterhouse is taking bets with crap odds at a money-hole near you! Truly, there is little more hilarious than Anthony Abbot, the man who once boasted, “This is the worst government in Australian history”, come so very close to fulfilling his destiny.