Last year Woroni featured an article arguing for ‘casual intimacy’. It said people shouldn’t avoid casual liaisons just because they might get burnt. Most good things come to an end, the author argued, that’s no reason not to get involved in them.
I liked the article, but I suspect that one of the barriers to ‘casual intimacy’ is that the way most people, men especially, engage in ‘picking up ’ makes it difficult for people not to get hurt. Incompetence with playing the game and enjoying the chase inhibits communication and causes everyone involved to be painfully aware of their objectification.
When I refer to the game I am not referring to the arse gravy published in 2005. That book is part of the problem. It encourages men to view women as prey to be outsmarted and conquered. A victim of the techniques it encourages cannot help but feel cheapened, used and humiliated. The most frequently employed tactic it recommends is negging: putting someone down so they feel the need to impress you. That is not a good foundation for human connection.
If we want casual intimacy and la Dolce Vita we need the opposite. We need an approach to the chase where at the end of the night both parties feel like they are winners—the girls feel they had the initiative and were hard-won. The guys feel like James Bond when Christmas comes twice a year.
For that, we need people to understand the subtleties of the chase and revel in the challenge. Too often I hear men complain that a girl is playing hard to get. Game on I say. On the other hand, girls often complain that guys don’t approach them or are sleazy. But often such girls aren’t giving good signals. It is the girl who should take the lead, though with little more than a ‘come hither’ look.
When two experts in the chase come together they produce a magic evening. Every incident is a little electric, the parties feel mischievous, naughty, sexy; poets take note of the wordplay and strippers study the body language. A mundane night of knocking back cocktails at Knightsbridge becomes ‘there was this one night…’
But such a situation can only be possible in circumstances were the individuals in play are familiar with the rules of the ‘real game’. To this end, in 2012 Woroni will feature a series of articles outlining the key errors people make and how they should behave if they want to score. You’ll learn something.
