What an honour it is to welcome you here to the Australian capital city, Canberra: a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by a very large carpark, where women are women, and so are the men.
Here, we call a roundabout a roundabout and a spade a Section 14 firearms infringement.
As you disembark from Airforce One, take notice of the swarm of planes as they take off for faraway cities such as Sydney, Wagga Wagga, and Sydney. Watch the freight planes being unloaded – what secret, exotic treasures are buried in those crates? Salmon? Mustard? A strange Italian delight known as “lasagna”? Canberra is, it is said, a modern day Timbuktu.
You are no doubt accustomed to the history and tradition of Washington DC. While we have nothing to compare to the majesty of the Lincoln Memorial or the not-quite-so majestic Jefferson Memorial, you’ll want to reserve time in your schedule to see such wonders of the modern world as the Eastlake Power Generator, which celebrates the arrival of electricity to the capital in 2001.
We hope you enjoy your stay in our beautiful city. We’re quite proud of it, and we think when it’s been unwrapped and properly dusted down it’ll be a settlement of world renown.
Sir Donald Bradman attends the Boston Tea Party
The Boston Tea Party is commonly celebrated as a bold stand against overbearing British interference in the colonial economy. Few historians, however, remember the contribution of famous Australian cricketer and tea enthusiast, Sir Donald Bradman. Is this because Sir Donald Bradman, Australian cricketer and tea enthusiast, had little to no involvement in the Boston Tea Party? We report, you decide.
The Great Depression
As is well-known to all but the dullest of schoolchildren, the American continent begins, in the early thirties, to sink into the molten rock on which it floats, due to a sudden increase in the number of obese people in Florida. Australians quickly rally to pull America out of the so-called ìGreat Depressionî or ìSinking Decadeî with a pulley and a winch.
The ANZUS treaty is signed
Australian Prime Minister Robert Menzies, New Zealand Prime Minister Gerald Merino and US President Eisenhower ñ statesmen and, it can now be revealed, members of a mÈn‡ge-‡-trois that spanned continents. In 1952, this sexual pairing is formalised with the ANZUS treaty. To this day, leaders of the three countries are obliged to engage in activity ìup to and including heavy pettingî once every year, or twice every year if the New Zealand Prime Minister happens to be attractive.
President Ronald Reagan crosses the Great Victoria Desert on a camel.
As he nears the end of his journey, progress is impeded by a long and impenetrable fence. Addressing himself to a local farmer, Mr Reagan issues one of the most iconic lines of his presidency: ìMr Gorbachev,î he cries, ìtear down this fence!î Mr Gorbachev declines.
Watergate
This joint venture between Australian and American entrepreneurs envisions a great aquatic theme park that features marine animals acting out famous scenes from the American Civil War as well as from the hit Australian comedy, Picnic At Hanging Rock. Disaster strikes when President Nixon arrives to preside over the barbeque at the Opening Ceremony. Mr Nixon throws the tongs to the ground, declaring, ìI am not a cook.î The statement is later misreported.
